Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Ever listen to a song but not LISTEN to the lyrics? The Great Escape

So I basically have had a shit past couple days, I have been doing destructive things just because I can. I've been trying to be positive for people who ask even though I am not really. I didn't know how "off" I've been until this evening when a song from Pink was playing while I am driving. The Great Escape

I don't know if you have even listened to the actual lyrics, they are pretty raw. They remind me of how I feel sometimes and for about few minutes I thought it might be better to just let go and slip away in the night.

Sure I have people around me that I can share some feelings with, but how do you discuss this people? That I rather not be here anymore. That I am just tired of fighting to keep from drowning everyday. My own darkness swallows me up sometimes. And sometimes I just let it, give in, even feed the darkness with hopes that it will just finally take over. How do you bring that up in a conversation, I can hear it now,"You know how I've been seeing a therapist and going through a lot in my life in the past couple months and I just can't get through it, well I decided I am going to be selfish and just end it all because I am too weak to go on." Even now as I write these words I judge myself and think how pathetic it all sounds. I am incapable of even self empathy and its no wonder I feel disconnected from the world around me.

All my life I have had a dark-side that I've been afraid of, the scary thing for me is that the more I let my rage surface the more powerful and motivated I feel. My fear isn't what I would do if I let it out, I know what I am capable of, people under estimate what I am capable of all the time, they misjudge me and think I am this nice guy and they have no fucking clue. I fear I would enjoy it, and embrace the rage and darkness and truly the only things that keeps me in check most of the time is the fear of repercussions and penalties of my actions, which for now is enough but I am not sure it this will always be so.

Things like this just me laugh at the inhumanity of it all. I always thought if I did think it was my time to go, I would just cash out all of my savings and just go on a eternal vacation, but after tonight I realize that once that feeling takes ahold and you give into it, you can slip away so fast. Look your end in the eye and welcome and embrace it to finally take you away from all the pain.

I would never take pills, a blade, or bullet to do it. The only way for me is to go out in a firey inferno. My last feeling would be like to be scorched like the surface of the sun before I go to the frozen wasteland for an eternity.

*This is a record to myself of Nov 11th, 2014 and how I felt for just a few minutes.


Post a Comment

<< Home