I started my day as any other day with intentions and plans of what I would get done, achieve, and finish. And like most days I get taken away, swept up. Most days I journey down a path of misdirection not discovering anything new. But somedays, like today I am I directed to a place that makes me feel like home, a place that I can't seem to find but instantly know when I am there. I want to revel in it, throw off my coverings and embrace the warmth and love. Drink it all in knowing I can't stay here, that I will be called away to soon.
Questions I have never asked myself are - What would it be like to be here forever? What if I wasn't pulled away? Told to leave? What if I could stay in this magical place longer and longer until I was just here? How could I make this happen? Would it be the same on the last hour of my visit as it is my first?
For a long time I have longed to be creative, make something to prove that I exist in the world, that my life has meaning. All my life I have dabbled in creative things. I used to draw cars, assemble models, write stories, and even tried to make a chair at one point (it was a disaster). I never did these things for anyone else, only myself. Is that selfish to enjoy the elation of the creative? Like being stoned or drunk from a few glasses of wine. Whereas, I don't think my creativity will make an impact on the world, is it too much to want it to make even the smallest positive impact on someone else's life? Is that selfish?
When I write I feel the elation. I don't follow proper grammar or any of the other rules of language but yet I still express myself. And isn't that what being creative is?
I have said over and over again, I don't want to be famous I just want the money and to be left alone. Where I currently live I am surrounded by people who want to "make it", write the next big thing, because famous. This is something I have always loathed. I crave freedom, not the type that you get to choose what you work on, but true freedom, that you can choose which city you want to visit next, I want to drink in life. I will say it again I want to drink in life. And that is my wish for my future.
But going back to the reason for this post. While displacing myself into a zone of safety, I lay in bed watching the light filter in, the breeze create a stir of the tree. Embraced by the eternal Eskimo Hug. My mind searching as if being guided for something to consume. I found the movie "The Perks of Being a Wallflower
" which I have watched many times. Never with anyone else, such as a movie theatre, but always in the security of my own space. Able to embrace the feelings that were intended either by the writers or the reflection of my own memories. Feelings I am not sure anyone else on this planet has, or can understand.
The movie reminds me of high school as does the song by The Smith, "Asleep
" is exactly how I've been feeling as late. No words I can produce sums it up better nor any chord played.