Thursday, October 08, 2015

Deep sleep

My life for the past year has been.... hectic to say the least. A relocation, a new job, and trying to complete a divorce without having the right team in place.

I woke up this morning as if I have been asleep for years. Nothing really has changed in my life from yesterday or last week, maybe there is a shift in the universe and I'm not the only one to feel the shift. It could be an influence by someone close to me, then again maybe it's just me.

It's time I start enjoying myself more and using my natural abilities to fight for what I want in life. But at the same time, provide guidance and help those around me also.

What do they say, "heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned?" All I have to say is that bitch better step aside because she is old and crusty. I'm bringing out the big guns and preparing for battle (or divorce court as some like to call it). Justice is like "la vengeance est un met que l'on doit manger friod."

Welcome to Jason 2.0. I'm looking forward to being myself again.

Monday, September 21, 2015

Nice people can be evil

I used to not believe people would fake abuse, until I saw first hand that someone I thought I knew falsified abuse. Not only was the abuse false but he nearly ruined the life of someone else because of his greed and disrespect. You never really know someone, and I found it best just to remove that person from my life. After that happened I never knew what other crazy things he would do.

If you know anyone who has endured real abuse this video by Lady Gaga reminds me of the stories I've heard from close friends.  It's very emotional and bring back some feelings if helplessness I felt myself growing up, although I've never experienced this type of abuse.

If you know anyone who has been abused give them a hug, a kind word, and let them know they are loved. If you know anyone who has faked abuse report them to the authorities, they are taking the limited resources of people who are really in danger away.

Labels: ,

Thursday, June 04, 2015

Invitation to Life

I know people who receive invitations for weddings, baby showers, and birthdays. These people are invited to share in the celebration of life of others.

I never get those invites. I have recently been asking myself why that is. Could it be because I'm one of those people who say no to everything?  Oh maybe I'm the Debby Downer? Maybe it's that I have very few friends and one the ones I do have have no life changes to celebrate? Count it be that I've been locked away in social jail for so long I forget what it's like to engage with people around me? What's appropriate to say what not to say?

Or could it be simply that I don't see myself as one of those people others want to celebrate with? Could it be that I chose to be on the sidelines of life and be content with looking in? Has this always been the case with my life? Did I learn this from my parents? Could it be because I moved around so much in my life I've never figured out how to belong or attach to others? I think about these things when I'm alone. Not always but enough to make me feel like a visitor in this world. Do I have to be present in other people's lives?  Is it simple enough to just put yourself out there and ask if someone wants to spend time with you? Would the rejection be too much to bear? If it didn't hurt a bit would that mean I didn't care?

Things have been changing for me, I've been changing myself. Sometimes when I'm in a group of people I need to check out for a bit, like I feel over whelmed. Too many words, too much noise. I wonder of its because I didn't really want to be with them, but it's not that at all. It's just that I spend so much time alone in silence and my own thoughts that engaging in a group if often just listen and watch, not on the sidelines but as an observer of others. Someone who listens, who watches, who asks questions. This is the person I've been. Maybe that's why I'm drawn to photography, it's capturing those moments in life that represent a memory.

Even now as I write, I just let the words flow from me. I don't hold them back or arrange them in a certain order. It's as if they were meant to come out this way. Like they have been held back and as they rush forward they already know where they belong and fall in like good little soldiers.

These words are not mine I'm only the person to deliver them. Images are my gift to the world.

Tuesday, June 02, 2015

Who do you want to be today?

Originally written on June 6th.

So angry Boingo came out with a song in the 80's called who do you want to be today. back then what I thought I want to go to and what I ended up doing for a career or completely different. in high school I want to go into design, designing cars most specifically. One of the problems with that is I never took any design classes or honestly any other classes either. I manage things and people for a living where is I do enjoy it, there's very little creativity involved in my job.

So I've been thinking a lot recently about what I can do to be more creative. aside from writing which you reach here on my blog as well as a journal that I have no one else reads I've decided to go back to my old love United old flame for the summer call to target. in the past decade I somehow gotten away from Photography it could be the location that I live it could be that the people around me criticize and critique my work based on no actual design or artistic knowledge but I'm not going to let that happen again I've leaned into my photography and probably taken around 2000 photos are past several weeks. the photos I've taken on selfies they are in shock that you look at and think Oh wow that's just another shot that someone's going to post on Facebook these shots are composed we thought it lined with lighting composition.

What passion do you have! Are you leaning into them or are you keeping them aside for your someday? What if that someday never comes? What then?

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Blogging mobile

As part of my migration to a more mobile environment,  have now decided to post this blog via my phone. So this is my first post mobily. This just a test in a communication to my readers. I hope you have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend.

Labels: ,

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Barriers - Blow them up!

Working on a project in my office today and was searching for some music to keep me engaged. I recently came across (again) Tiny Desk Concerts from NPR. While looking through the offerings I ran across Macklemore with the song "Same Love", which from the first day I heard it on the radio in Seattle struck a cord in me.

The word BARRIER as defined by the Oxford Dictionary: "A fence or other obstacle that prevent movement or access." Additionally, the origin of the word is from late middle English, denoting a palisade or fortification of an entrance.

I realise that I also feed into the stereotypes I grew up with, like boys don't..... or only girls do....  I now understand that those stereotypes were just a BARRIER to acceptance and letting people stagnate in not challenging their own believes they either grew up with or developed over time. Boys Don't Cry, only girls wear dresses-makeup - nail polish, boys don't show their emotions, boys play with guys not with their own penises (I was admonished by my step father busting into MY bedroom unannounced insisting this was a learned behavior. I still suffer with some of these puritanical believes about self love), boys are only supposed to fuck girls (never introduced to making love, because love wasn't present in my house growing up), parents are supposed to fight with each other often - loud and violently enough to break my mom's shoulder (this was less than 2 yrs into their marriage), it's ok for men to get shit faced as a coping mechanism to deal with their issues (then take their emotions - which they clearly have - out on their wives and small children) because they are too weak to look inside, Blacks are X, Mexicans are X, gays are X and realize they need help and these stereotypes go on and on because of the disinterest to break down a BARRIER. I have lived with lies most of my life both as a child and some of my adult life as well.

As an adult I have chosen to break the chains of my past, but what I didn't realise until recently is that I am chained by others. The lies that were hidden because BARRIERs had to stay up to keep people safe. By caring what people close to me think, I allowed myself to be bound to their beliefs and lies (sometimes under the disguise that the lies are "cultural")  as a way to get closer. What really happened is the bondage just constrained me and the BARRIER that was between us was still there but now I was stuck. The BARRIER is still there but my chains have been loosened and will soon be finally cut. Now it's up to me to continue to break down the BARRIERs I have put up, others have taught me to have, and the one's society has told me should be there.

What BARRIERs have you allowed to be put up? What BARRIERs have you put up for yourself? How do they serve you (if they didn't serve you in a positive/negative way they wouldn't still be there)?

Maybe it's easier to just keep bound up and keep the BARRIER in place. I understand, for many years I choose for that to be my truth. Is that who you really want to be?

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Stimulus and Response

Originally written on Jan 15th.

I find it funny when I see unoriginal people try to rebuild their own past by just repeating it while only changing one part of the equation. They are still the same yet they are hoping to get a different outcome. I don't know if its sad or funny.

Insanity is defined as continuing to do the same thing and getting a different outcome. And I have mental health issues... LOL.


Sunday, January 11, 2015


When I reflect on my life, it seems to wander around a bit. And what I mean by this is: new interest and new people wander in and out of my life. Ever since I was a child I had a nomadic life and moved often. I have noticed that the ones that are supposed to be in my life right now stick around and those that aren't leave. This might be odd for people who haven't moved around as much as I have. Unlike others, I am not a collector. I have nothing that I collect for a hobby, passion, or obsession. I take in only what is necessary or that is purposeful. I own less than 10 DVDs, even less CDs. My interest in things develop slowly, and go in waves. I don't gather people around me to make myself feel better, or keep me from being alone. What actions I do spend in my life, like writing, are my self expression through words (I can't really call it writing) has been present several times in my life and it is resurfacing again. It never really went away, I just had other priorities and now I can be more serious about it. 

Many of my experiences, interests, or people that come into my life some would say are serendipitous. Serendipity is defined as "the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way."

I like the idea of Serendipity, where things happen in my life by chance in a happy or beneficial way, but I think we invite occurrence and events. We welcome in what we think we need in our lives. 

There is a quote from a movie that "We accept the love we think we deserve." Perks of Being a Wallflower. I think the same can be said for people in our lives. We accept the type of people in our lives we think we deserve. What do you deserve? Are those the type of people who are around you? 

Sometimes someone comes into your life when you least expect it. Not someone who kicks the door open but someone who just happens to wander inside. Even without knowing it, this person rearranges things ever so subtly with the best and most kind of intentions. One day you wake up and realize that you have been changed. Your first reactions to boredom, or frustration is no longer acted upon but instead considered as an option instead of the only answer to the situation. Or the real question is did I allow this? Or what it me to begin with?

Labels: , ,

What do single people do with their time when alone?

So it's a rainy Saturday night. I sit here with nothing to do. The thought of watching a movie or a series of some kind would be like watching paint dry, but yet I can't think of anything productive or interesting to do. When I was in school I would draw, when I had a house I would remodel. I guess I don't really have a hobby or I am in hobby limbo.

I read an article that was quite shocking about how people prefer to give themselves electric shocks than to be alone with their thoughts. Am I one of those people? I actually think I am. As much as I say that I am a loner, I prefer to be alone, I really don't enjoy just spending time by myself, without the typical media distractions (youtube, netflix, or pandora). You know somedays I don't actually see another physical person all day, let alone talk to one. Do you live a life like this? Could you?

I think this is why I started my blog to get my feelings out, but I think sometimes its not enough. My feelings of expression come fast and I can't put them down fast enough and they get lost. Are they worth capturing, or like many thoughts are they just fleeting and unless you do something with them they are nothing?

I am not actually sure what the point of this entry is. Its not to make you feel sorry for my solitary existence, or call me up to want to spend time with me, but maybe like a few other posts last year, its a record of how I feel as a marker in time. I could just be a record of my own naivety. Of course I people who get into relationships so they don't feel like they are all alone on the planet and going through the motions for no reason.

Well dear readers, that is all for now. I may choose to further develop this post at another time.

Labels: ,

Sunday, January 04, 2015

Alone on Holidays?

I originally started this blog post two weeks ago before Christmas was here. With the holidays I just didn't get to the things I wanted to and instead spent time with friends and got to know them a bit more. Since my time is open today I had some time to reflect on things and thought I would finish this post for myself, and you my readers.

My life circumstances have changed dramatically in the past 4 months. I have gone from feeling alone while in a relationship to no longer being in that relationship and feeling more loved than I have in years. Over the past months I have purposefully had deeper conversations with friends about what is really going on in their lives. We are more intimately connected now than any other point in our lives. I believe this happened because I have consciously opened my heart and my mind to invite and welcome others to me.

I blogged about being ALONE before. This is the first holiday season that I have not been coupled up in nearly 2 decades. Yes, that is a long time and because of this I can say that I have felt less alone this holiday season than I have in the past. Holidays past I would go over to someone else's family's house for lunch/dinner for the umpteenth time where I would sit/stand around and attempt painful small talk. I find it so difficult to be so superficial for so long and never really building any intimacy and real conversation.  It's not my place to call out the big elephant in the room (well only with the close friends and my own immediate family). Thankfully, for the rest of the holiday meals I have left I can choose who I spend them with.

My intention was to spend my Christmas Eve, Day, and day after at a nice hotel on the beach with my two adventure companions. I wanted to bring a stack of books, my journal, and my laptop and continue my reading and writing and introspection. Instead I reconnected with a long time friend, his girlfriend, and his dad over cards and dinner. I also had two of my social circles touch briefly which I haven't had happen in a very long time, much too long in fact and hoping to change that in the new year.

I enjoy surrounding myself with a TRIBE of people whom I can be my honest self and more authentic self. To me there is nothing worse than having people in your life that you are physically close to but can't be authentic with them. I understand it isn't possible at work most of us but with friends and family that is a different story.

How about you my dear readers?  Were you alone on the holidays? Did you have people around you to celebrate with that didn't really even know you? Do these people really know you, your challenges, or your goals? Or did you stand around making nice small talk about grandma's lovely fruit cake (which no one ever finishes a whole slice)?

Were you yourself this holiday? Were you your true self?

Labels: , , , ,

Monday, December 22, 2014

My Words - My Truth

While living and speaking consciously in the past weeks, I have made a few realizations:

  1. I use "we" often when speaking about my own life experiences and past because many of my memories and experiences are wrapped up with others. I feel sometimes using "we" can feel exclusionary instead of inviting in sharing my experience with others. 
  2. I enjoy talking and learning about others but I can only do it so long and need to retreat to my own thoughts and feelings to get my energy back. 
  3. When speaking with others whom I haven't know for very long, I realize that I tend to get short with people whose opinions do not match my own. I feel this is my own form of judgement. Instead I will choose to express that own options differ, positively reinforcing my own position on the subject and still maintaining a positive interest in continued dialogue with others. Alternatively I will listen deeper to the other person and ask more in depth questions as to better understand their opinion and thereby understand my own position on my opinion. 
  4. I use the word SHOULD often to in my thoughts, writing and speech. Using SHOULD leaves me feeling like I haven't reached my own goals or potential. My own feeling of inadequacy drives me to behavior that is incongruent with my long term goals and it takes a few days to get back in touch with myself. I choose to use alternative words to change my behavior and reinforce my own values and goals.
  5. I really miss writing and blogging about my inward journey. Its really important that I continue my journey and blogging helps me to do that.
  6. When someone is desperate I retreat. When someone doesn't need me thats when I want to attach the most to someone, otherwise it falls back to the co-dependance I grew up with and I choose to not repeat that cycle again.

Are you living your life consciously? Do you speak to yourself and others consciously? If so, what things have you noticed about yourself in building relationships with others? 

Are you satisfied with how you are or would you like to consciously change things to better get in touch with your true self and open your heart to people around you?

Take sometime this holiday week to accept yourself and express your appreciation for others in your life.

Labels: , ,