Thursday, December 04, 2014


Most of my adult life I have felt alone. It could be because as a kid I moved many times back and forth across the country which means I have changed schools ALOT. To put that into perspective, I have attended 10 different schools between Kindergarden and 12th grade. Take a moment to think about that, it means sometimes I moved twice in a single school year. Making friends was something I always had to do, or just be ALONE until I moved again.

Only a few people I know grew up living in the same community and attended high school with some of the same kids they attended elementary school. Most people I know have only moved a few times at the most when they were a kid. To put it simply, I have no idea what that would be like. I have a great imagination so I could create a story line of how they are connected, what life events they have shared, experiences they have gone through, even how they wore some of the same halloween costumes. Stories are stories, but I can't imagine what the emotions would be like (good or bad) with having school and life being familiar to me, living in a community that you felt connected to even belonged in.

I've lived my life as a nomad and an outsider and to many of the normal human experiences as well. Even something as simple as being invited to a friends wedding has only happened to me 4 times in my life, one of the times was my own sister. Maybe I am not alone in my feelings. Maybe my dearest readers you also have felt that longing to belong and not live on the outside.

Every few years even as an adult I wake up in a new place, everything different even the bed I sleep on. My space (place I live) isn't surrounded with books, mementos of my travels, pictures of my friends, or even furnishings that make me feel safe and secure when surrounded by them. I take only my memories in my suitcase moving from place to place. Discarding all but only a handful of my earthly possessions every time.

Familiarity is a luxury that I have never afforded myself, either through life circumstance or life choices. Forcing myself to endure life change and having to fight to make connections and understand my place in my new world allows me to reinvent myself often, but I have also lost myself along the way. Now is the time for me to create my home and surround myself with people whom I can be myself with and hope to pass on a bit of the love that they have shown me.

2015 is about creating my tribe and not being/feeling alone anymore. The definition of ALONE as defined by is "separate, apart, isolated from others." Living in Los Angeles for the past 2 years I have felt this pretty often. Even people who are supposed to be your friends don't make time to connect with me and after a little bit I get the message and disconnect entirely from them. This process of connecting and disconnecting seems to happen often in my life, similar to flow of traffic on a busy after noon. The green light connects me with the cars who have gotten further down the road in front of me, the red light separates us again.

Being ALONE is near to impossible these days. Although I spend most of my time alone, I am learning to connect with friends throughout the day. I don't mean Tweets, or posts on Facebook which I feel just get lost and the energy they are sent with gets spread thin. But instead a primary connection (phone, text, meeting). Everyone gets to busy (including myself) and they forget that the simple act of touching and a smile can make a difference in the world.

Because how I approach things and how I view the world, most people can't understand the things I see, which I guess in a way is why I started this blog. To help the world understand how I see their world and makes me feel a little less alone.

I attribute this post to the song ALONE by Armin van Buuren, filmed in Los Angeles, shows multiple scenes of people who are disconnected from others around them. What they can't see is that they are similar to people in close proximity.

Even when I feel alone, I know support is just a text or phone call away. Remember that even in this big world we are never alone reach out to people in your tribe and say hello.

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