What do single people do with their time when alone?

So it's a rainy Saturday night. I sit here with nothing to do. The thought of watching a movie or a series of some kind would be like watching paint dry, but yet I can't think of anything productive or interesting to do. When I was in school I would draw, when I had a house I would remodel. I guess I don't really have a hobby or I am in hobby limbo.

I read an article that was quite shocking about how people prefer to give themselves electric shocks than to be alone with their thoughts. Am I one of those people? I actually think I am. As much as I say that I am a loner, I prefer to be alone, I really don't enjoy just spending time by myself, without the typical media distractions (youtube, netflix, or pandora). You know somedays I don't actually see another physical person all day, let alone talk to one. Do you live a life like this? Could you?

I think this is why I started my blog to get my feelings out, but I think sometimes its not enough. My feelings of expression come fast and I can't put them down fast enough and they get lost. Are they worth capturing, or like many thoughts are they just fleeting and unless you do something with them they are nothing?

I am not actually sure what the point of this entry is. Its not to make you feel sorry for my solitary existence, or call me up to want to spend time with me, but maybe like a few other posts last year, its a record of how I feel as a marker in time. I could just be a record of my own naivety. Of course I people who get into relationships so they don't feel like they are all alone on the planet and going through the motions for no reason.

Well dear readers, that is all for now. I may choose to further develop this post at another time.

Alone on Holidays?

I originally started this blog post two weeks ago before Christmas was here. With the holidays I just didn't get to the things I wanted to and instead spent time with friends and got to know them a bit more. Since my time is open today I had some time to reflect on things and thought I would finish this post for myself, and you my readers.

My life circumstances have changed dramatically in the past 4 months. I have gone from feeling alone while in a relationship to no longer being in that relationship and feeling more loved than I have in years. Over the past months I have purposefully had deeper conversations with friends about what is really going on in their lives. We are more intimately connected now than any other point in our lives. I believe this happened because I have consciously opened my heart and my mind to invite and welcome others to me.

I blogged about being ALONE before. This is the first holiday season that I have not been coupled up in nearly 2 decades. Yes, that is a long time and because of this I can say that I have felt less alone this holiday season than I have in the past. Holidays past I would go over to someone else's family's house for lunch/dinner for the umpteenth time where I would sit/stand around and attempt painful small talk. I find it so difficult to be so superficial for so long and never really building any intimacy and real conversation.  It's not my place to call out the big elephant in the room (well only with the close friends and my own immediate family). Thankfully, for the rest of the holiday meals I have left I can choose who I spend them with.

My intention was to spend my Christmas Eve, Day, and day after at a nice hotel on the beach with my two adventure companions. I wanted to bring a stack of books, my journal, and my laptop and continue my reading and writing and introspection. Instead I reconnected with a long time friend, his girlfriend, and his dad over cards and dinner. I also had two of my social circles touch briefly which I haven't had happen in a very long time, much too long in fact and hoping to change that in the new year.

I enjoy surrounding myself with a TRIBE of people whom I can be my honest self and more authentic self. To me there is nothing worse than having people in your life that you are physically close to but can't be authentic with them. I understand it isn't possible at work most of us but with friends and family that is a different story.

How about you my dear readers?  Were you alone on the holidays? Did you have people around you to celebrate with that didn't really even know you? Do these people really know you, your challenges, or your goals? Or did you stand around making nice small talk about grandma's lovely fruit cake (which no one ever finishes a whole slice)?

Were you yourself this holiday? Were you your true self?

Alone

Most of my adult life I have felt alone. It could be because as a kid I moved many times back and forth across the country which means I have changed schools ALOT. To put that into perspective, I have attended 10 different schools between Kindergarden and 12th grade. Take a moment to think about that, it means sometimes I moved twice in a single school year. Making friends was something I always had to do, or just be ALONE until I moved again.

Only a few people I know grew up living in the same community and attended high school with some of the same kids they attended elementary school. Most people I know have only moved a few times at the most when they were a kid. To put it simply, I have no idea what that would be like. I have a great imagination so I could create a story line of how they are connected, what life events they have shared, experiences they have gone through, even how they wore some of the same halloween costumes. Stories are stories, but I can't imagine what the emotions would be like (good or bad) with having school and life being familiar to me, living in a community that you felt connected to even belonged in.

I've lived my life as a nomad and an outsider and to many of the normal human experiences as well. Even something as simple as being invited to a friends wedding has only happened to me 4 times in my life, one of the times was my own sister. Maybe I am not alone in my feelings. Maybe my dearest readers you also have felt that longing to belong and not live on the outside.

Every few years even as an adult I wake up in a new place, everything different even the bed I sleep on. My space (place I live) isn't surrounded with books, mementos of my travels, pictures of my friends, or even furnishings that make me feel safe and secure when surrounded by them. I take only my memories in my suitcase moving from place to place. Discarding all but only a handful of my earthly possessions every time.

Familiarity is a luxury that I have never afforded myself, either through life circumstance or life choices. Forcing myself to endure life change and having to fight to make connections and understand my place in my new world allows me to reinvent myself often, but I have also lost myself along the way. Now is the time for me to create my home and surround myself with people whom I can be myself with and hope to pass on a bit of the love that they have shown me.

2015 is about creating my tribe and not being/feeling alone anymore. The definition of ALONE as defined by Dictionary.com is "separate, apart, isolated from others." Living in Los Angeles for the past 2 years I have felt this pretty often. Even people who are supposed to be your friends don't make time to connect with me and after a little bit I get the message and disconnect entirely from them. This process of connecting and disconnecting seems to happen often in my life, similar to flow of traffic on a busy after noon. The green light connects me with the cars who have gotten further down the road in front of me, the red light separates us again.

Being ALONE is near to impossible these days. Although I spend most of my time alone, I am learning to connect with friends throughout the day. I don't mean Tweets, or posts on Facebook which I feel just get lost and the energy they are sent with gets spread thin. But instead a primary connection (phone, text, meeting). Everyone gets to busy (including myself) and they forget that the simple act of touching and a smile can make a difference in the world.

Because how I approach things and how I view the world, most people can't understand the things I see, which I guess in a way is why I started this blog. To help the world understand how I see their world and makes me feel a little less alone.

I attribute this post to the song ALONE by Armin van Buuren, filmed in Los Angeles, shows multiple scenes of people who are disconnected from others around them. What they can't see is that they are similar to people in close proximity.

Even when I feel alone, I know support is just a text or phone call away. Remember that even in this big world we are never alone reach out to people in your tribe and say hello.