Reading between Lines

Echosmith is a band I first heard on KCRW, they have been circling in my ears recently so I have been binging on them for the past 7 days. In the car, in my office, and on my twice daily walks.

Upon further research I learned that the member of Echosmith are all in the same family and grew up less than 10 miles from where I currently reside. Their musical influences site bands like The Smiths, Echo and the Bunnymen, U2 and Joy Division among other bands. I grew up listening to these bands and enjoyed them. Going back and listening to some of their songs now, I realized that I know but a small segment their music. 

At first listen it sounds like a love song but then you notice the listener is being warned, told not to look closer that your story is the safest place you will ever be. 

The first listen through this song I didn't know what to think, catchy beat interesting chorus reminding me of going to grandma's house. Upon another listen the singer is giving a warning not to come too close, not to actually see the truth that is just below the surface.  Words associated with both love found and love lost, words star crossed, drowning, broken, and lost.

The listener believing their own truth of the relationship with a warning if they are looking for truth don't go looking for the singer. 

Running where you want to be, running headlong into love like young people do. When I was young I wanted to fall into love, feeling the butterflies in my stomach, getting nervous to talk 

Things I associate with falling into love. Or more specifically opening your heart for love. Butterflies, because I don't want to say the wrong thing I actually care what the other person thinks of me (this is incredibly rare for me). 

Excited to see the other person because.... why exactly? At first you see the excitement of getting to know another person and sharing your stories, finding things in common, places you like to go to, songs you enjoy and where you were when you first heard it, your passion for travel, the outdoors, and pushing your physical limits. 

Then as things get more comfortable you begin to feel safe and secure when they hold your hand, or when you have had a bad day they embrace you and everything fades into the background. And as you get to know each other from sharing you get lost in their eyes looking for what your future will be together, walks on the beach, sharing Christmas traditions, getting your first place together, spending weekend morning in bed together sharing your bodies and kisses.  Or because the person you see in their dark eyes is so much better than the person you see in the mirror? You see the best parts of you and all of your faults dissolve.

But I think this song is about the last part when the honeymoon goes away. When the facade we present to new people starts to reveal our faults and baggage that we have kept hidden around the corner. When after dinner we don't automatically reach for that stick of gum or check to see if salad is stuck in our teeth. Comfort settles in and people let not only their guards down but also get lazy. Their dark side and half truths (unspoken words that they have kept back and not yet revealed because they are embarrassed they would not be loved if they spoke their truth), and that bag of porn at the back of the closet.

When you no longer consider the other person first. And realize the last time you have done something for yourself. Something only you enjoy doing without asking when you will be back or who you will be with. Then you wake up one day and don't recognize the person staring back at you in the mirror. Instead of the seeing the best things about the other person all you see if faults and reasons why nothing will work out. All the effort you used to put into the relationship you keep reserved for yourself because you can see that the efforts hasn't been matched for the longest time. 

They make me feel safe? Their touch makes you go crazy? You get lost in their eyes seeing a future of being together of forever being loved? 

Almost like a warning that love is a place of darkness and 

Tell Her You Love Her - Communicate Deeper

This post was inspired by the Echosmith song entitled "Tell Her You Love Her."  The song reminds me of the joy of love that I have felt only a few times in my life. It's not just the joy of love but also having the courage and confidence to say it aloud to someone and honoring yourself enough to just be swept up by love and away with it. 

For some people love happens easily and often, but for me loving someone is rare and has only happened a few times in my life. My love for the world around me happens in moments of time. Things like the first hard acceleration up the Crest on my Ducati, the sound of the gentle rain on the sounds of the leaves, the smell of an amazing meal, or the smell of pine trees while showering in the sky, pulling on a freshly laundered and pressed dress shirt, the twilight evening of the Italian sky while dining al fresco, and a stormy day at the beach with big waves crashing in the distance make my heart swoon.  But to love someone? Love someone so much that you are willing to give away your heart and everything familiar? Its only happened once in the past 10 years. As much as I tried to make that work out I now realize that it takes two people to work at a partnership. I am gathering up the broken pieces of my life and reassembling them. I am not sure what my new life will look like, but I know the lessons I have learned will not be quickly forgotten.

The song also makes me reflect on fact that if I was still that young & naive man that lost his mom too soon, I would say the joy of love is all that the song reminds me of. But alas, my adventures and experiences have spanned two decades since then, and my travels have taken me half way across the planet, and with many more highs and lows than I can count. Considering this, what "Tell Her You Love Her" also reminds me of is my own perceived short comings when it comes to building relationships. Recently, I've been more attentive to the words and questions I have asked people, and even now as I write this that isn't exactly true. 

Music has always been a big part of my life. I listen to a song and I can slip into my memory of another time and another place when I first hear the song. Even bringing up the emotions I was even feeling at the time. For this reason, I tend not to over listen to songs from my past so I don't wear out those emotions or become over sensitized to them. Many times in my life I have enjoyed something so much that the novelty wears off and I don't enjoy it as much anymore.

Not just song but also objects bring up emotions and memories with me. Of all my worldly possessions the one I tend not to look at or smell too much a candle that is associated with my mom who passed away over 20 years ago. My memory of how the candle became into my possession I do not recall, but its my own thing that I have from my mom. Many people have food smells that remind them of their mother but my mom wasn't gifted in kitchen. This black odorous candle propels me back to when life was simpler, I was more naive and happier with the simple things in my life (I had so much less and it was ok). 

A few years after my mom past and often recently, I ask myself why didn't I really get to know my mom for the woman she was instead of just my mom? I now realize that I haven't been asking deep enough questions from people around me. My relationships have been limited because I didn't have the skills to make them more. Most of my life I have strived for being a better me, and interpersonal skills are the same. I have a desire for deeper more meaning full connections and I am committed to push past my current level. I want or more specifically I need deeper relationships with people in my life. As I become with my true self I open my heart and soul to connect better with others. My whole life I have pushed back the idea that I belong (in a community, with a group of people, at work, or even in America) but recently I am rebelling against my rebellion. Asking deeper questions like "what if I connected deeper with people around me" and "what could I do to draw closer to those around me" and "how much better would my life be if I did this?"

What I want is to be able to become better connected with people in my life, but realize just like me we have trained responses. There are social mores when someone asks "how was your day" we naturally put on our game face and say, great, ok, good, etc that really doesn't reveal what is really going on with us, even when it's just below the surface. 

I want to be the friend to others like the friend I would like to be. This is a idealistic view, but I don't think reaching for the stars is so bad when it comes to developing interpersonal relationships.

So here is what I normally get:

Me:  "how are you?"

Response: "good how are u?"

Me:  "Good, what are you up to?"

Response: "nothing, you?"

and on and on it goes. So I read an article recently 

Questions to ask instead would be:

• When did you feel loved today?
• When did you feel lonely?
• What did I do today that made you feel appreciated?
• What did I say that made you feel unnoticed?
• What can I do to help you right now?
• Did you feel lonely at all today?
• What's going really well with work right now?
• Or ask specific questions about things going on in their life.

You know no one has ever asked me these questions to really understand me and what I am going through. Nor to really pull me closer to them and truly be connected in a more intimate way. I hope to use some of these phrases and develop more to pull those in my tribe closer to me.

Enjoy the song and I am curious to what emotions and thoughts it brings up for you.